Author Topic: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now  (Read 27265 times)

madame_one

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My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« on: April 27, 2011, 06:38:01 PM »
Hello. I perused this site extensively when I and my husband - then boyfriend, first met. I've been meaning to post our strategies and results for awhile and just didn't have time.

Background
Two years ago we met at BDSM club. He is an experienced submissive and I am an experienced Dominant. In this type of relationship, orgasm denial is a common type of play. A lot of ladies praised his ability to remain calm no matter what was being done to him. After I started dating him I was pretty quickly able to tell that something wasn't right. We had a heart to heart and he told me that he hadn't enjoyed ejaculating since he was a young boy (eight or so). He described the act as 'removing the poison'. Ejaculation was discomfort relief and nothing more. I felt very strongly about this man and loved him a lot. I started learning everything I could about anhedonia and looked for anything that might work. Before him, I was under the mistaken impression that ejaculation and orgasm were the same thing for men. The group taught me otherwise and I began looking for way to restore pleasure in his life.

Him
1. Was masturbating facing down - told him to stop.
2. History of mild depression - clinically confirmed - was not ever prescribed antidepressants
3. Diagnosed with a learning disorder in grade school - these days it would probably be diagnosed as Aspergers
4. Long term intestinal issues that he still deals with occasionally
5. Tried visiting a couple of therapist for this issue over several years.
6. Had almost no startle reflex at all - I tested this a few different times and realized pretty quickly that his autonomic system was not functioning properly. He also had very little perspiration (he told me that he didn't need antiperspirants).

These are the things I tried with various results:
1. Stablon 12.5 mg tablets - no effects, gave him a terrible headache - tried for a month and then stopped.
2. Increased Beef diet before intercourse - this did seem to have some effect. I ended up combining this with other methods.
3. Chakra massage - I know, very new age but I thought that it couldn't hurt - I concentrated on sending my sexual energy to the chakra at the base of his spine.
4. Rhodiola Rosea - This is an herb taken for anxiety. It helps him a lot with the gastrointestinal issues and helped him relax overall.
5. Prostate milking - This is sexual technique involving direct milking of the prostate through the anus to force an ejaculation out of a male. This was the way he first experienced an orgasm with me for the first few times.
6. Concentrating on secondary erogenous zones - This is a big one with him. I rarely touch his penis because it is much too sensitive. while this sounds like a good thing - it actually is not. Stroking him just makes the skin break out in an allergic reaction. For him it is a combination of very aggressive kissing, neck/shoulder stimulation and verbal taunts. Nipples, ass and penis stimulation don't do much for him at all. ( I actually looked into paraplegic sex advice to find other ways of arousal.)
7. Never took antidepressants or acne medication
8. No known history of physical or brain trauma that could contribute to the issue.
9. Patience and cuddling - I had troubles learning how to have an orgasm because of trust issues. I used this experiences to guide my behavior with him on this issue. My husband and I do an inordinate amount of cuddling - it's not a regressive sort of thing - it's more a reassuring and acceptance gesture. It's hard to tell how this has helped, but my gut tells me that its contributed in some way.

Seeing all of this condensed makes it seem a whole lot easier than it was. We were together sexually for almost a year before we had this breakthrough. After the first one, it was probably about three months before he had another one. They started to get closer together eventually and now he orgasms almost every time. The reason I know this is that he has an extremely cathartic reaction to it that can't be faked. Crying laughter is about the best way to describe it. He also has the secondary post coital signs that he didn't have before. He now gets flushed at the point of ejaculation, gets really sensitive on his penis head afterwards and wants to fall asleep right after. He didn't do any of  these before. He's also told me that he likes sex more and that it is extremely pleasurable now. We are now working on having our first child together.

I hope that this is helpful to the group. I've tried to be as truthful and complete as possible. I took a very methodical approach to this issue and had a degree of control over my partner that is unusual. I am happy to answer any questions you may have.



NoFun

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2011, 02:09:52 AM »
Thank you for sharing your story and your diligent efforts. And congratulations on your success and growing happiness together.

Much of the journey seems straightforward sex therapy. A prosexual, loving partner. Lots of physical intimacy, with less focus on the genitals than usual.

Did he ever have any hormonal testing done?

Did he stop masturbating entirely, or just stop doing it face down?

Could you give a timeline and dosing of stablon and rhodelia, particularly with respect to the start of prostate milking and when the first orgasms occurred?

What was the prostate milking timeline in terms of ejaculation and orgasm? I've tried that aneros gizmo a few times, but it never did much for me.

Interesting that he had headaches with Stablon. I don't see that listed as a side effect - although I see it mentioned as a withdrawal symptom. Did he have any withdrawal symptoms?

'Removing the poison' doesn't sound very sex positive. Did he have issues in that regard? Did they get better?

Thank you again for sharing your success story with us.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2011, 12:30:41 AM by NoFun »

Saul

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2011, 05:00:30 PM »
I can relate to the lack of a startle reflex.
Also 'removing the poison' seems a good metaphor to me, as there's no pleasure to it, but it feels like there's something that needs to be gotten out of you.

It sounds the winning combination was patience, relaxation exercise and milking the prostate. I will see if I can learn how to do the last one.

Thanks for the very clear explanation :)
EA Dates:
No recollection of orgasm ever
Medical Conditions:
Depression 17-28
Sleep disturbances 19-28 (excessive sleep)
IBS 0-28
Hayfever 0-28
Lactose Intolerance 21-28
Drugs taken:
20-21 Fluoxetine 40mg, 21-23 Venlafaxine 75mg, 24-26 Fluoxetine 40mg Lamotrigine 200mg, 15/07/12-Now Agomela

needhelpage31

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2011, 11:03:02 AM »
I'm also very interested to have read the original post.

If you could answer NoFun's follow up questions, it would be great.

Thank you for contributing. So many of us are still desperately seeking a cure.

bongo

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2011, 07:24:20 AM »
this doesnt sound like what we have ,especially hearing from the partner and not her husband

empathy121

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2011, 02:21:58 PM »
this doesnt sound like what we have ,especially hearing from the partner and not her husband

I think it sounds a lot like the early-onset EA that a lot of us have... In what way do you mean it is not like what we have? I'm curious!  ;)

@ madame_one : many thanks for going to such lengths to feed back to us - I am also very appreciative as this is another glimmer of hope!


Saul

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2011, 02:53:23 PM »
Me:
1. Was masturbating facing down (used to do that when I was a kid, humping stuff instead of hand wanking)
2. History of major depression - clinically confirmed - prescribed antidepressants
3. Was placed with the dyslexic kids in primary school, though I was not dyslexic, later became a high achiever
4. Long term intestinal issues that I still deal with regularly.
5. Not tried visiting anyone.
6. Have almost no startle reflex at all.
EA Dates:
No recollection of orgasm ever
Medical Conditions:
Depression 17-28
Sleep disturbances 19-28 (excessive sleep)
IBS 0-28
Hayfever 0-28
Lactose Intolerance 21-28
Drugs taken:
20-21 Fluoxetine 40mg, 21-23 Venlafaxine 75mg, 24-26 Fluoxetine 40mg Lamotrigine 200mg, 15/07/12-Now Agomela

madame_one

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2011, 11:47:42 PM »
Here are some answers as requested:

Did he ever have any hormonal testing done?
A: No, not to my knowledge. On that subject though, I did notice that as he began to orgasm, his scent became a lot stronger. Scent is a pretty strong fetish of mine, so it's something I'm very tuned into in a man. His scent when he was aroused was barely detectable before and now it is quite strong, which I like.

Did he stop masturbating entirely, or just stop doing it face down?
A: He did not stop masturbating. He still does but does not do it on his stomach any longer.

Could you give a timeline and dosing of stablon and rhodelia, particularly with respect to the start of prostate milking and when the first orgasms occurred?
A: The stablon was an early attempt at helping him to orgasm. He took a 12.5 dose four times a day. The information I reviewed said that it only stayed in your system for about four hours. We tried dropping it to two doses a day and then we abandoned it after two weeks because of the headaches. It also seemed to upset his stomach even more than usual if I remember correctly. That however is hard to judge, because everything seems to upset his stomach. :) The Rhodiola Rosea was begun about a month later and he has been taking it ever since. I take it as well and it really helps with anxiety. I started taking it when I was experiencing a lot of personal stress and it really helped. That's why I started giving it to him as well. It seems to help with anxiety. I would guess that he was on the Rhodiola at least a month before I started milking his prostate.

What was the prostate milking timeline in terms of ejaculation and orgasm? I've tried that aneros gizmo a few times, but it never did much for me.
A: I've played with the aneros as well and wasn't all that impressed, especially for the price. I use a well lubed, gloved finger after a lot of massage and usually a lot of foreplay to get him relaxed. I attempted this with him five or six times before I was successful. This was stretched out over several months because I had to wait until his bowels felt like cooperating. It's also something that requires a lot of relaxation and trust on both sides. I think that the recipient has to be able to give up control and just go with it.

Interesting that he had headaches with Stablon. I don't see that listed as a side effect - although I see it mentioned as a withdrawal symptom. Did he have any withdrawal symptoms?
A: Yes, the headaches got worse for awhile and then eventually stopped.

'Removing the poison' doesn't sound very sex positive. Did he have issues in that regard? Did they get better?
A: He's a very sex positive kind of guy. Very experienced and in demand as a submissive. I don't think that it was a judgement on sex. I took it as a description of the lack of pleasure he was feeling. He had had orgasms when he was much younger. He told me once that he thought that this was the way sex was and that all men were the same way. His main way of dealing with the lack of pleasure was to really become well versed in how to please women. He would tell me things like 'your orgasm is all the pleasure I need'. He was really focused on giving pleasure to his partners. I realized eventually that he was getting pleasure by proxy.

Someone on here commented that it should be him rather than me doing this writing. I asked him initially if he wanted to write it up and his response was that I was the one that figured out how to fix it, so I'm the one that should write it all down. I did have him look over everything before the initial post and he added a few things that I'd forgotten.

As the partner, the hardest part for me to deal with was the weird wiring (ie erogenous zones in different places). It was very challenging for me to unlearn the things that worked with other lovers. I still really enjoy playing with his dick and balls but I tend to focus on CBT which he doesn't mind at all. It's not something I'd recommend for everyone, but it works well for us.


NoFun

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2011, 02:05:40 AM »
A: On that subject though, I did notice that as he began to orgasm, his scent became a lot stronger. ...His scent when he was aroused was barely detectable before and now it is quite strong, which I like.
That's interesting to me. At times when I'm feeling more libido, I notice that my smell changes to a stronger, more musky odor. It's fairly rare that that happens, however. It would probably make a good poll here.

But to be clear, did the increased smell come before the first orgasms, or after? Where in the timeline below did it fall?

I'm just whittling down the timeline here for posterity:
Quote
Could you give a timeline and dosing of stablon and rhodelia, particularly with respect to the start of prostate milking and when the first orgasms occurred?
A: The stablon was an early attempt at helping him to orgasm. He took a 12.5 dose four times a day. ...We tried dropping it to two doses a day and then we abandoned it after two weeks because of the headaches.

Did he have any withdrawal symptoms [from Stablon]?
A: Yes, the headaches got worse for awhile and then eventually stopped.

The Rhodiola Rosea was begun about a month later and he has been taking it ever since.

I would guess that he was on the Rhodiola at least a month before I started milking his prostate.

I attempted this with him five or six times before I was successful. This was stretched out over several months because I had to wait until his bowels felt like cooperating.

Quote
It's also something that requires a lot of relaxation and trust on both sides. I think that the recipient has to be able to give up control and just go with it.
A gal introduced me to the aneros, in the context of intercourse. I found it uncomfortable and distracting at first. It got less uncomfortable eventually, and maybe added a little pleasure, but never much, and never to orgasm. I even tried using it in combination with the hitachi wand, since it was solid, it transmitted the vibrations, but never to much effect. I tried the wand, and other vibrators on my penis as well, also to no effect.

Quote
He would tell me things like 'your orgasm is all the pleasure I need'. He was really focused on giving pleasure to his partners.
I understand the attitude. Female orgasms are quite a wonder to behold, and much more fun than my ejaculations without orgasm. I wonder if it becomes self perpetuating. When you don't have orgasms, you start focusing more on your partner's pleasure, and make your own problem worse by dissociating yourself from your own pleasure.

It's actually too bad that your partner masturbated. I think it is likely if we had the will not to masturbate, but a willing partner interested in stimulating us a lot, over a long period of time, particularly as a passive submissive, that this might be a cure for us. I think sex may be a bit like being tickled, where you just can't get the same effect doing it yourself. I'm not talking just emotionally, but just physiologically.

Thank you again sharing your information, and in a helpfully precise manner.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2011, 06:09:48 PM by NoFun »

lostmojo

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2011, 06:20:42 AM »
Me:
1. Was masturbating facing down (used to do that when I was a kid, humping stuff instead of hand wanking)
2. History of major depression - clinically confirmed - prescribed antidepressants
3. Was placed with the dyslexic kids in primary school, though I was not dyslexic, later became a high achiever
4. Long term intestinal issues that I still deal with regularly.
5. Not tried visiting anyone.
6. Have almost no startle reflex at all.

I match up with 1, 4 (not severe but getting worse all the time) and 6.

empathy121

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2011, 08:34:38 AM »
@ madame_one

Does you husband have any insight into what caused the problem, looking back? Is there anything different that occurs now that he can experience, such as increased relaxation?

I am encouraged that this problem is curable but I don't know where to start...

Me:
1. Was masturbating facing down (used to do that when I was a kid, humping stuff instead of hand wanking)
2. History of major depression - clinically confirmed - prescribed antidepressants
3. Was placed with the dyslexic kids in primary school, though I was not dyslexic, later became a high achiever
4. Long term intestinal issues that I still deal with regularly.
5. Not tried visiting anyone.
6. Have almost no startle reflex at all.

I match up with 1, 4 (not severe but getting worse all the time) and 6.

I match up with 2 (probably caused by EA to be fair) and 6 - I have virtually no startle reflex either. I also suffer from allergies like as well as many people here.

NoFun

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2011, 06:11:50 PM »
I'm going to start another thread on Rhodiola, and I hope madame_one will add her thoughts there.

I wonder what exactly is going on with me. I've had some positive changes that are very surprising to me. Please see thread for details.

madame_one

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2011, 05:54:25 PM »
I'm really glad that I went ahead and posted all of this for everyone.
More answers:

NoFun: His smell changed and increased after he started orgasming, if I recall correctly.

My partner loathes vibrating toys of any type - they are just too intense for him and not the right kind of stimulus.
In regards to passive submissives: this actually was how he identified for about 15 years. Just about any kind of stimulation and frustration exercise imaginable has been done on him without result. He enjoyed the attention and would never break role, which made him a popular toy for dominant women. He also has a very high pain tolerance but he doesn't enjoy pain as a masochist would.

I do like your analogy with tickling and think that there is something to that. I also think his issues stemmed from the autonomic system. There was one bit of research I came across (sorry I don't have a reference) that posited that the autonomic system can begin to shut down over time due to overuse through anxiety and stress. Anxiety can turn on the fight or flight response and never turn it off. I believe that it was part of a study on PTSD. I'll try and find the source again.

 Empathy121: I asked him about the source, and he replied that he doesn't know. He always assumed that this was how it was supposed to work. I believe that he chalked it up as a part of his sexual identity as a submissive.
He did suffer a lot of family stress when he was younger His family went through some events that were really horrible, which I won't go into because they were also very public. I can't imagine that that didn't have some bearing on this.

Thanks everyone and good luck to all of you.


needhelpage31

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2011, 07:57:18 AM »
NoFun - please report back to us about the Rhodiola.

NoFun

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Re: My thanks to this forum - my husband can orgasm now
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2011, 12:43:17 PM »
NoFun - please report back to us about the Rhodiola.
As you saw, I started another thread on it:
http://sexualanhedonia.com/index.php/topic,250.0.html

I'll add an update there.